Acceptance

Today, as I had hoped, the yellow iris I planted last weekend reflected in the pond. During an otherwise mundane moment in the kitchen, a flutter of movement caught my eye through the kitchen window.Was it frogs? (I have been eagerly awaiting the time when frogs discover our little pond.)  No, little birds were playing by swooping out of the sky and dipping into the pond. They beckoned me back to the present moment.  Someday the pond will also reflect a magnolia with lovely pink flowers.  A dear friend rescued the small tree from the nursery and gave it to me.  Many healthy branches had sprung up around a dead central leader.. I had to amputate the central leader; sacrifice it, for the plant to grow and thrive. Hmm, is this analogous to the mastectomy of my right breast?  Will I now be thriving and growing?  Cavities in the trees around our house have sprung into my awareness. After my right breast was cut off, sacrificed to save my life, there remains a cavity.  Not a flat place but a definite cavity.

The pond itself  illustrates interesting evolution in acceptance. I arrived home from a 5 day NVC retreat last summer to find that I had a pond. Much larger than the one I imagined and thought I had described, it immediately turned into a large mud puddle in our dry summer.  The large phallic rock right in the middle of my imagined woodland garden also made me wince.  My husband and his friend the back hoe operator had a great time and imagined themselves creating this lovely surprise and gift for me. Part of me thought, I must speak up for what I really want, but another part of me didn't have the heart to receive their gift with anything less than enthusiasm and gratitude. 

Once "the big C" entered our lives, (remember John Wayne saying that?) changes to the pond went on the back burner. During the fall and winter the pond proved an interesting feature of the landscape . "Did the pond freeze?" became a common question we used to gauge the weather. After a skim of snow it became all the more beautiful. Ah what animal tracks are those across it? Eventually the pond and the rock disappeared under an unusually high load of snow.

Now the pond is an integral part of our backyard. We accept its transient vernal nature. This week it exists because we had more than an inch of rain.A friend's dog romped happily through it. Last week, before the rain, it almost emptied.  Are there areas in your life where you recognize acceptance at work or need more acceptance from yourself or others? 

Cleansing Diet

The 28 Day Cleansing Diet that I have been on for 30 days today is another wonderful structural piece for my healing from breast cancer. I'm eating lots of veggies and whole grains, with beans, nuts, and tempeh for protein. Now I know that sounds like a pretty standard healthy diet recommendation, but I have not been eating sugar, butter, dairy (not even yogurt), or bread made from flour. Every day about 4 o'clock, I make and drink 12 oz of vegetable juice. I also drink about 80 oz. (10 cups) of water per day including one quart with a pinch of sea salt during the first hour that I am awake. For Mothers' Day, I requested and received a special fermenting pot; I've got 10#s of cabbage on hand to make sauerkraut soon.

I just love the recipes and suggestions in this book. One of my favorite new ideas is grain bowls. Put some cooked whole grain, hot or cold, into a bowl. Add other yummy stuff that you have on hand to go with it. Last week we had Mexican grain bowls with brown rice, Cuban black beans, avocado, tomato, salsa, the works! It was so good! So I love the food and I love the way I feel. I'm up and at 'em; blogging, working in the garden, seeing friends. The cooking takes a bit of time, but we're worth it. My husband does a very modified version with all the meat that he wants and is noticing an improvement in less acid reflux. I 'm cooking whole oats and sprouting adzuki beans. All kinds of new tasks and routines for this Virgo rising girl.

Interestingly enough, I strayed from this nourishing, healthy diet last Friday. I was sorely tempted at a birthday party and had chocolate cake and ice cream for lunch. I then came home and worked in the garden for several hours, working past juice time into a virtual stupor. I did not juice or cook the healthy meal I had planned. I scrounged something out of the freezer. The result--I felt crappy all day on Saturday and Sunday until I made my juice. So now I am really a believer!

What am I cleansing? My liver and my kidneys. Chemo is hard on both those organs and this diet provides foods that promote healing. Digestive troubles and skin problems are also often cleared up. For me, a lack of mental clarity and physical sluggishness were symptoms that I needed cleansing.

So what do you think? Is it this way of eating the least bit tempting for you? Do you even think that cancer and diet are connected? Have you had a healing experience connected to food? Let us know with a comment.

Financial Structure

I've found several structures quite valuable for my healing journey. My friend noted last night that I have made a cosmic shift from planning to struggle back to work in early March to allowing myself this rich healing time and planning to return to work at the end of the summer.

Figuring out how much money we were actually spending is one important structure. Without knowing our outflow, I was alternating between feeling fearful about spending and reckless about spending. Oh I can't spend anything because I'm not working or What the hell I may die soon so I'll live it up. I don't think I'm alone as a cancer patient in spending a bit wildly at the beginning of my illness. I bought a fancy blender, Blendtec that I have never regretted for one minute. I used it for green smoothies that helped me get through my treatment. However I also bought some scarves, some "fun" wigs, and a book and DVD about looking good during treatment that were useful in mentally getting me ready for hair loss, but that I didn't really use. I bought quite a bit of make-up also which is not surprising for a Leo moon girl. Of course as treatment progressed, I was too sick to care about how I looked and wore the same two hats all the time except when they were in the wash. I wore a black cotton comfort cap with a lovely brown chunky hand-knit hat by my daughter-in-law. This was winter in Maine after all. The fun wigs totally grossed out my family right after I buzzed my hair really short and I never looked at them again. I also bought some green tea and seaweed supplements that I never used and cost $500. I knew I wouldn't be able to take them, but I let myself be talked into them. I spent a lot on supplements and complementary treatments during my illness that I do not regret one bit. I used accupuncture, Jin Shin Jyutsu, and homeopathy extensively. I also had a lot support from Deb Soule at Avena Botanicals.

By January we started tracking our expenses with a neat spreadsheet that Dave made up. We would spend a morning entering everything at the end of the month. Then for February, Mrs. Micah announced the track all your expenses for the month challenge. I began to check it out and found out that a number of people track their expenses e very day. Wow, I thought. I could do that and then it would save the 3 hours at the end of the month. So I did that and liked knowing where were at and also the improved accuracy improved since our memories are better for a day or two instead of a whole month. Mrs. Micah reviewed various programs for tracking expenses and came out with her favorite being YNAB. YNAB stands for you need a budget.

On March 1 after determining that I did not win the giveaway copy, I purchased YNAB for 49.95. I downloaded it and was up and running in an afternoon. I'm starting into my third month now and still feel it was $50 well spent. We spent about a half hour in financial conference for the month of May deciding on budget amounts ("giving each dollar a job" in YNAB parlance). We reviewed how much we spent in April compared to how much we planned to spend. After I post expenses for a day or two, I check to see if we are on track in our most variable items, groceries, entertainment, and restaurants. It's really easy to click back and forth between the register and budget screens. In addition, each time I post I make sure that we are reconciled with the bank. That is a huge step in the right direction. It is also very easy to plan for those large semiannual or annual events such as real estate tax and home and car insurance.

YNAB has given me the information I need to figure out that I do have some breathing room. I've been saying that I want to work less, but can we get by on less? The answer is: yes we can! How about you? Do you have a favorite financial system that works for you? Are you longing to have more control and a better understanding? Do you just let go and let God? My second structure piece, about healthy eating, is fodder for another post.

Keep the Home Fires Burning

In Goddesses for Older Women, JeanShinoda Bolen suggests that when women are younger their goddesses are a committee with ego as the strong chairman. As a crone, my goddesses sit around the fire, speaking when so moved and waiting for consensus. This brings me to Hestia, a goddess who is not really personified but is represented by the fire in the hearth. I was so yearning for that after years of hotel living. It seems so synchronous to me that we started a major remodel that included a wood stove last summer. We lit the beautiful red wood stove on a green stone hearth the same week my chemotherapy started. Dave worked hard to keep it going, starting a new fire everyday, working up a huge woodpile for next year, hauling all the wood inside. I could barely keep up with it when he got sick for a few days. So our home fire was burning this year; I needed it, hungered for it. A Hestian tradition is for the first fire in the newlyweds' house to be started from the embers of the parents.
Hestia is also the goddess of women sitting in circles. My cancer provided me with that opportunity as well this year as I joined a circle of women on a common journey of cancer that meets twice a month. Here we can speak our truth to those who really understand, other cancer survivors.
Another Hestian impulse I have had is to become a nun, to live a spiritual life among women, forsaking worldly things. I did look like a nun with my shaved head, but as a happily married woman, that is an impulse I am unlikely to act upon. For me that impulse is a signal that I want to deepen my spiritual practice. Currently my practice consists of Jin Shin Jyutsu almost every day, sitting in meditation many days, yoga sporadically, mindful housework and cooking sporadically. Doing my pages every morning is another very important practice as is an artist walk and artist date every week.
So yes, Hestia is definitely an archetype for me as I enter my crone years. Hestia is currently guiding me toward more home comfort and a more centered life. How about you? Do you long for a space of your own or more solitude? Do you long to tend mindfully to your household chores? Hestia might be calling to you.

Hecate

I hope my soul friend readers will leave some comments. I'd like this to be a conversation.

We have been listening to Joseph Campbell's Power of Myth series with Bill Moyers in the 80's. Last night he mentioned that our society is suffering because of a lack of myths and lack of an initiation rite for boys and girls. He pointed to all the crimes committed by young people as evidence. Maybe a purpose of my blog to bring myths back into consciousness to ease suffering. He also states that myths and dreams both come from the same source, the subconscious. I have been quite vigilant about recording my dreams lately and am looking for a way to work with them.

Sunday, I read about Hecate in Jean Shinoda Bolen's book, Goddesses in Older Women. Hecate is often pictured at the crossroads able to look in 3 directions with her 3 faces. Breast cancer has brought me to such a crossroads in my life. What do I want to do with my one wild and precious life? (Mary Oliver) I took a step over a threshold today by agreeing to help an NVC mentor with a workshop in late May. One insight that rang true to me was that there can be a time of lying fallow before it becomes clear which path to take. Also Hecate represents mid-wives and witches. Some times I feel like a witch with my interest in herbalism and flower essences. And have felt that hesitancy to let on about too much lest I be persecuted as a witch. Scholars estimate that between 100,000 and 8 million women were tortured and killed as witches in the middle ages. Hecate represents the ability to find and face the truth as she did with Demeter when Persephone disappeared. She suggested, "Let's go ask the God of the Sun. He saw it all." Bolen states, "Hecate the witness is there when you pay attention to your dreams, heed you intuitive perceptions, or listen to an inner voice. It's as if she accompanies us, holding up her torches so we can see in the dark."

Isn't this what we do for each other in NVC when we stay in the present and give empathy? Here are some Hecate questions:
What have I learned about life from my own experience? What truth do I need to face?
Do those questions resonate with you?

Artist Date

Since I have had cancer, mortality ia no longer an abstract concept for me. This morning I wrote to answer the question:
What do I still want time for?
1. An adventure trip or a pilgrimage with my daughter.
2. Some time alone with my daughter every year.
3. Plenty of time for restful, mindfulness days at home.
4. To write this blog.
5. To get back into shape.
6. To find and take my place in the Nonviolent Communication tribe.
7. To see my nephew well on his way in life.
8. To go canoeing with Dave.
9. To enjoy a long and happy retirement
10. To do more art- gather and set out my materials
11. A retreat with lots of silence built in.

Another way to connect with my soul is to nurture my inner artist. Yesterday I went on an "artist date" to do that. Artist dates are the one of the many brilliant ideas of Julia Cameron to unlock and nurture creativity. They are meant to be done alone, but I have a friend and kindred spirit who likes to do them too. We teamed up yesterday and went to our local museum and then out to lunch. This was a stretch for me to be out for so long, so I was glad to have the company. We saw some incredible stuff, including work by Brian White, a local man who uses found objects to create sculptures and paintings. Click here and scroll down a bit to see a picture of his seashell encrusted wedding dress. He had several other amazing 50's era dresses made of seashells and a life-size ram and a ewe made of seashells also. There was also a collection of paintings from the museum's collection that explored the effect of the rise of abstraction. I came away from there thinking, wow, creativity is alive and well. Creativity happens. I'm constantly surprised and grateful for the interesting and sophisticated cultural doings in our area. These exhibits were in the Jamien Morehouse wing of the museum. Jamien was a wonderful friend to many here and a wonderful mother, daughter, and wife. She died of breast cancer ten years ago in May and I still miss her. A granite fountain with a lovely quote from her touched me deeply. So I nurtured my creativity today and spent time with a soul level friend. What do you still want time for? How do you nurture your creativity?

Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D. inspired this blog with her book, Close to the Bone. She uses mythology to illuminate the journey of illness. Inanna, Queen of the Outerworld, decended into the Underworld, Hades, Hell whatever you want to call it to visit her sister Erishkegal, the queen of those realms. Each time she passes through one of the 7 gates, she must give up one of her items of finery that identify her as a Queen. First her headdress, then her fine necklace, bracelet, etc. For me the seven gates were different surgeries, doctor's appointments, tests, and chemotherapy appointments. I gave up my right breast, my hair, my rewarding career (temporarily!), my fancy outfits for work. I have several items purchased right before diagnosis with the tags still on them. I've lived in virtually the same pair of pants, turtleneck, and sweater for six months. Inanna is the symbol of a successful, worldly woman, protected by a man, successful in the values of the patriarchy. Through my journey of breast cancer, I met my sister, my shadow self, Erishkegal. Erishkigal is alone, not protected by the patriarch, a muttering wild-eyed crazy woman. More about her next post. Does this myth resonate with a difficulty that you have faced?

A Green and Juicy Crone

I feel that I have a new goal, thanks to JSB. What is my version of a green and juicy crone? Well that's what this blog is about. Will I bring in more Artemis or Diana, the goddess of the hunt. She was alive in me as a little girl when I climbed trees, ran with a tribe of kids playing horses, dared to walk the white picket fence next door. I can remember one old apple tree in particular, out in a field that looms large in my childhood memories. The field was behind the houses across the street and stretched for at least a quarter of a mile in all directions. My mother taught me how to mark our secret wild asparagus patches by sighting a tree in one direction and maybe the How's house 90 degrees away. Anyway in this beloved old apple tree, there was a branch that was bouncy and another one to hang on above it. I can remember how much fun and how daring that seemed to bounce and bounce. By myself or with a friend. When did that part of me get lost? When a stranger grabbed my breast as I was walking to through a suburban neighborhood to the swimming pool? I was quite proud of those new breasts and probably strutting right along only to be accosted in broad daylight. What did I do? Keep right on walking and pretend it didn't happen like a good 50's girl. Was it lost when I became a sexual being and brought in other Goddess's attributes? How will I bring her back in? Adventure travel? Defense of the vulnerable? Artemis, alone of the major goddesses, was granted autonomy by her father Zeus and would never be violated or overpowered by male power. Whew, wouldn't that have been nice? She also defended those violated and vulnerable, just as I regret on occasion not doing as a mother. I just wrote about that this morning in a list of things I regretted doing, in answer to one of Jean Shinoda Bolen's questions to help me align with my life's purpose. The question is What do I regret doing or not doing? What about you? What do you regret doing or not doing?

So far....

I've done it! Started the blog I've been thinking about! My cancer journey started with a diagnosis of Stage 2 HER2 positive breast cancer in September 2008. My surgery and chemotherapy led me through the gates of hell and by the end I felt like I was dead, hanging on a meat hook, just like Inanna the Sumerian goddess. Like Inanna, before my descent, I had all the trappings of a successful life: home, great career, the protection of a man. All the emblems of success in the patriarchy. Each appointment, each surgery, each trip to the hospital for chemotherapy was equivalent to passing through another gate to hell. In addition, the economy did a nosedive and the wealth I had been counting on for retirement was decimated. By the time I got there I was also like her sister Erishkegal, moaning in pain. My friends supplied me with an unbelievable amount of support and empathy, just like the flies in the mythological story. After a time (3 days in the myth) I came back to life and am now on my way up the stairs from hell back to the outer world. Older and much wiser I hope. More soon.